How To be More Confident
We have all experienced it…. being in a room with someone who is very confident that they demand everyone’s attention. What is it that they posses? But more importantly, how can we become more confident ourselves? To understand it better, let us first break down the qualities that define a high self esteem. When someone is said to be confident they really have self-respect, meaning they value themselves and their behavior. It is not to be confused with arrogance, where one feels superiority over others.
Whether we realize it or not, confidence plays an important role in every aspect of our lives. It not only affects our workplace, but how we interact in our social groups and even with our loved ones. Having a healthy level of self-assurance can mean the difference between earning what is fair and the fear of seeking better terms and conditions. It could be expressing our desires when out with friends or always going with flow. Likewise, it might be the way we interact with our loved ones by speaking our mind or being too accommodating. From my experience, I was an over-pleaser when it came to my relationships. I was so determined to make everyone around me happy, that I put my own needs aside. Funny enough, it always led to the opposite effect of what I was trying to do… I was never appreciated for who I was.
Luckily, there are some simple and effective techniques to help us build more confidence. Like any new skill, when we practice something over time it becomes easier. Consistency is key! The first step in any change is awareness and the fact that you are reading this means you’re one step closer to creating a transformation. So let’s get started!
Words
Words
This may sound really simple and insignificant, but how we “talk to ourself” plays a huge role in improving our self-esteem. According to world renowned therapist Marisa Peer, many of her clients suffer from low self-confidence, including actors and models. Her powerful Motivational Video is simple and effective in understanding how we talk to our self. When we use words like “I’m so dumb…. I always do that,” we are in essence putting our self down. Words have the power to shape our reality! When used in a positive way they can elevate us to achieve great things, but when used negatively, they can leave us feeling stuck and frustrated.
Words create the pictures in our head. To illustrate this, try to imagine taking a bite into a fresh lemon…just from the thought of it your mouth starts to salivate! You see words have a powerful affect in creating images in our mind, which in turn shape our reality. One great technique to change our words is by using Daily Affirmations. Feeding the mind powerful and constructive declarations each day is an effective step in being more confident. When you assert statements to your inner self such as I am Wise, I am Happy or I make Great Decisions, you begin to create a shift.
Praise
Another tool we can use to build our confidence relates to how we handle compliments. For years, I found myself downplaying any praise that I received. If someone commented about what a great job I did, I would try to divert the attention away from me by saying it was no big deal. But with practice, I learned to receive the praise and just say Thank You! When someone flatters us, they are in essence saying that they like something that we are doing. By accepting it graciously, it allows us to feel good about our self which in turn helps build our level of confidence.
Likewise praising other people allows them to feel good about themselves. Those who have a high level of self-esteem find it easy to genuinely compliment others, when they see something worthy.
Praise
Praise
Another tool we can use to build our confidence relates to how we handle compliments. For years, I found myself downplaying any praise that I received. If someone commented about what a great job I did, I would try to divert the attention away from me by saying it was no big deal. But with practice, I learned to receive the praise and just say Thank You! When someone flatters us, they are in essence saying that they like something that we are doing. By accepting it graciously, it allows us to feel good about our self which in turn helps build our level of confidence.
Likewise praising other people allows them to feel good about themselves. Those who have a high level of self-esteem find it easy to genuinely compliment others, when they see something worthy.
Body Language
The way we carry our self says a lot about us. To increase self-confidence, we can begin by practicing some easy and simple methods. The 7/38/55 Rule states that 7% of all our communication is done through words, 38% is tone of voice, and 55% percent is body language. That means that over 93% of our communication is nonverbal. With that in mind, easy adjustments like our posture can help improve our confidence. Having a powerful pose not only sends out a strong message to our subconscious mind but it actually helps us feel more confident. When a person walks into a room with their head held high it makes a bold statement. In addition, slowing down our movement and speech helps portray confidence and calmness, thus showing we are in control. This is the opposite of fidgeting and talking fast, which conveys insecurity.
This brings me to the second method in improving our demeanor. It’s the simple smile and eye contact! I have recently made a game out of seeing how many people will smile back at me when I look at them directly in their eye. It never fails! Most people will engage and smile right back. When you make it a habit to look at people and smile, you not only portray confidence but they instinctively let their guard down.
Lastly, and this one might be a personal preference, but it is keeping ourself well groomed. Looking our best and practicing good hygiene not only helps boost our own confidence, but it is more likely to draw others to us. Our society judges people by appearance whether we like it or not. When we take pride in how we care for our self, we automatically begin to feel our confidence rise.
Body Language
Body Language
What is demeanor you ask?… It’s the way one behaves. There are some proven methods to increase our confidence with behavior, which are simple to implement with a little practice. The 7/38/55 Rule states that 7% of all our communication is done through words, 38% is tone of voice, and 55% percent is body language. That means that over 93% of our communication is nonverbal. With that in mind, easy adjustments like our posture can help improve our confidence. Having a powerful pose not only sends out a strong message to our subconscious mind but it actually helps us feel more confident. When a person walks into a room with their head held high it makes a bold statement. In addition, slowing down our movement and speech helps portray confidence and calmness, thus showing we are in control. This is the opposite of fidgeting and talking fast, which conveys insecurity.
This brings me to the second method in improving our demeanor. It’s the simple smile and eye contact! I have recently made a game out of seeing how many people will smile back at me when I look at them directly in their eye. It never fails! Most people will engage and smile right back. When you make it a habit to look at people and smile, you not only portray confidence but they instinctively let their guard down.
Lastly, and this one might be a personal preference, but it is keeping ourself well groomed. Looking our best and practicing good hygiene not only helps boost our own confidence, but it is more likely to draw others to us. Our society judges people by appearance whether we like it or not. When we take pride in how we care for our self, we automatically begin to feel our confidence rise.
Master One Skill
One of the best books that helped me improve my self-confidence was The Outliers, by Malcolm Gladwell. Simply stated, he explains that in order to master ANY area in our life, whether it’s sports, a skill, or a profession we need to reach 10,000 hours. Practicing a specific task 20 hours a week, for 10 years is the KEY to reaching SUCCESS! Now before you look at that number and get discouraged, remember that this is what is required to be at the peak of your performance. For our sake and purpose, we are looking to become more confident. When I first read the book, I thought long and hard about what skill I would like to master. After trying a few things, I quickly realized that fitness, specifically dance made me feel really happy.
Testing the Theory
For the next few years I decided to get really good at it. But right off the bat, I had a few things working against me. First of all, I was not in SHAPE after having 4 kids. Secondly, I was in my mid 30’s, when most dancers start at a much earlier age. And lastly, I did not have the TIME that was required to dedicate to this craft, having to juggle the house and book keeping for my husband’s business. But I did have ONE thing on my side… It was DESIRE! I really wanted to get good at this. So the Journey began with a weekly adult class at a local studio. From there I added a gym membership in order to get in shape and improve my flexibility. And over time, I started to attend Professional Dance Studios, where I began to refine my style and technique.
It has been 12 years since I took that first class and in case you are wondering, I have not reached 10,000 hours. Yet here is where Mastering One skill came into play. The more I grew as a Dancer, the more in shape I got, and the more flexible I became. All of a sudden, people started to take notice of my transformation and began to compliment me. Although I didn’t start out on this journey seeking anyone’s approval, the constant praise did help in improving my self-esteem.
Master One Skill
Master One Skill
One of the best books that helped me improve my self-confidence was The Outliers, by Malcolm Gladwell. Simply stated, he explains that in order to master ANY area in our life, whether it’s sports, a skill, or a profession we need to reach 10,000 hours. Practicing a specific task 20 hours a week, for 10 years is the KEY to reaching SUCCESS! Now before you look at that number and get discouraged, remember that this is what is required to be at the peak of your performance. For our sake and purpose, we are looking to become more confident. When I first read the book, I thought long and hard about what skill I would like to master. After trying a few things, I quickly realized that fitness, specifically dance made me feel really happy.
Testing The Theory
Testing The Theory
For the next few years I decided to get really good at it. But right off the bat, I had a few things working against me. First of all, I was not in SHAPE after having 4 kids. Secondly, I was in my mid 30’s, when most dancers start at a much earlier age. And lastly, I did not have the TIME that was required to dedicate to this craft, having to juggle the house and book keeping for my husband’s business. But I did have ONE thing on my side… It was DESIRE! I really wanted to get good at this. So the Journey began with a weekly adult class at a local studio. From there I added a gym membership in order to get in shape and improve my flexibility. And over time, I started to attend Professional Dance Studios, where I began to refine my style and technique.
It has been 12 years since I took that first class and in case you are wondering, I have not reached 10,000 hours. Yet here is where Mastering One skill came into play. The more I grew as a Dancer, the more in shape I got, and the more flexible I became. All of a sudden, people started to take notice of my transformation and began to compliment me. Although I didn’t start out on this journey seeking anyone’s approval, the constant praise did help in improving my self-esteem.
Self-Acceptance
One quality that self-confident people share is that they don’t seek approval from others! From a young age we develop a fear of being judged. We can all recount stories of how someone made fun of us for something we said or did, not being invited to join a desired group or even told by a peer that we were not good enough. All of these words and images are nestled deep in our subconscious mind. We might not be aware of how these memories affect our life as adults, but their impact is profound! The fear of failure and rejection could prevent us from dating someone who seems more attractive than us, switching to a more interesting career or trying a new hobby. We subconsciously seek the approval of others for everything we do. It affects the way we dress, what we say and more importantly how we act!
Confidence means liking yourself without the need to compromise your beliefs or values. If someone tries to pull you into doing something that is not in alignment with your higher self, it is the ability to gracefully decline. The truth is not everyone is going to like what we say or do all the time. As long as we carry our self with dignity and respect, we don’t have to please everyone! Those who criticize others are really dissatisfied with themselves. Recognizing that our self-worth is not tied to others’ opinion is the foundation of being more confident.
Self-Acceptance
Self-Acceptance
One quality that self-confident people share is that they don’t seek approval from others! From a young age we develop a fear of being judged. We can all recount stories of how someone made fun of us for something we said or did, not being invited to join a desired group or even told by a peer that we were not good enough. All of these words and images are nestled deep in our subconscious mind. We might not be aware of how these memories affect our life as adults, but their impact is profound! The fear of failure and rejection could prevent us from dating someone who seems more attractive than us, switching to a more interesting career or trying a new hobby. We subconsciously seek the approval of others for everything we do. It affects the way we dress, what we say and more importantly how we act!
Confidence means liking yourself without the need to compromise your beliefs or values. If someone tries to pull you into doing something that is not in alignment with your higher self, it is the ability to gracefully decline. The truth is not everyone is going to like what we say or do all the time. As long as we carry our self with dignity and respect, we don’t have to please everyone! Those who criticize others are really dissatisfied with themselves. Recognizing that our self-worth is not tied to others’ opinion is the foundation of being more confident.
In Summary
When you begin to feel good about yourself -by paying attention to the words you use, how you carry yourself and improving your skill- you will notice a change. It might be subtle at first, but you will begin to feel your personal value rise.
When I first started dancing, I was always in the back of the room. I tried to blend in so no one would notice that I was a beginner. The funny thing was, I was so preoccupied with myself that I didn’t notice I was NOT the only one. Over time, I learned to measure my progress and not focus on a single event. My self-acceptance was rising slowly but surely. Now, I not only dance in the front of the room but I don’t pay attention to what others might think of me.
When you practice the tools consistently, they will begin to feel natural! In time, you will notice your self-confidence grow which in turn will allow you to feel more confident.
Summary
Summary
When you begin to feel good about yourself -by paying attention to the words you use, how you carry yourself and improving your skill- you will notice a change. It might be subtle at first, but you will begin to feel your personal value rise.
When I first started dancing, I was always in the back of the room. I tried to blend in so no one would notice that I was a beginner. The funny thing was, I was so preoccupied with myself that I didn’t notice I was NOT the only one. Over time, I learned to measure my progress and not focus on a single event. My self-acceptance was rising slowly but surely. Now, I not only dance in the front of the room but I don’t pay attention to what others might think of me.
When you practice the tools consistently, they will begin to feel natural! In time, you will notice your self-confidence grow which in turn will allow you to feel more confident.
Was reading your blog tonight, loved this post about confidence, something I’m working on right now in the work place… and I just found myself thinking it would be interesting to read your vision on the life purpose! Thank you
Thank you so much for the kind words. I appreciate your feedback! Can’t wait to hear how it worked for you..:)